Sometimes I wonder whether I had been born in an erroneous decade, where the2 dollar/poundshop and the Kardashians are held more dear than etiquette and panache.
Whilst those around me "scull" enormous quantities of beer and lager, I prefer to imbibe a Pimms or a Gordons....As others wirelessly stream ghastly digital tracks by ever increasingly weird groups, I enjoy a spin on the vinyl by Fleetwood Mac and Abba.....and whilst waistlines and trouser tops seem to become ever more detached from each other, I yearn for the decorum of the plus fours and a stout Oxford brogue..
Bertie, being the delightfully eccentric typically English foolish forgetful fop, has many character defects that alas I couldn't even attempt to replicate, at least not without involving half the British aristocracy, various aged aunts, the foreign office and a pig or two thrown in for good measure.
Bertie's repertoire of faux de memoire include Aunt Agatha's birthday party, forgetting the address of his second niece's house in the country, and how to put on a bow tie by himself.
Mine on the other hand mainly revolve around the taking of my regular medicines at the prescribed times.
Whoopsie and golly gosh! I need to take my morning dose of rejection tablets at about 10am, after my 7am consumption of steroids, anti ulcer and blood thinners. Another dose of rejection pills is scheduled for 5pm, followed by a whole repetition of the 10am medicinal smorgasbord at 10pm!
Often I am left wondering whether I had the 10am dose, as this falls right in the middle of my mid morning travails and coffee. So I try to remember the morning so far....
If only I had Jeeves to remind me, and present them on a silver platter at the appointed hour!
So at 10.15am and 10.15pm an alert sounds out loud and clear, time to take your tablets!
Currently set at the first 15 seconds of a suitably retro "Heart of Glass" by Blondie.
So as I hear the drums and beat of the classic vintage opening followed by the words
"Once I had a love and it was a gas, Soon turned out had a a heart of glass......"
I now instinctively stop what I'm doing and go to my tablets either at home or at work and count out the dose and swallow. No more missed doses!
Easy, simple and reliable. Now if only I had someone to answer it for me....Thank you Jeeves
One last word from Jeeves to his master on the vagaries of the English language:
Bertie was reading his latest book in the library.
On the very first page he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called out to Jeeves.
"Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?"
"This what, sir?"
"'Fox pass', Jeeves."
"Oh, that would be 'faux pas': a French phrase, sir, pronounced 'foe pa'; which literally means a 'false step'
but is equivalent to 'putting your foot in your mouth' in English.
"Yes, dash it, whatever."
"Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?"
"Yes."
"And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked you, 'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of marmalade?"
"Yes, Jeeves."
"Well, that, sir, was a faux pas . . . ."
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